it was with sheer & total effort that i managed to haul myself out of bed the following morning after a restless night saving the world from armed robbers in a greek restaurant only to remember that today was the day i was heading off to be waxed for the first time since arriving in cape town.

now those of you that know me know that i am a complete & total ninny when it comes to pain (how i ever gave birth is beyond me!!!). i literally have to psyche myself up for days to even get myself to book a waxing appointment – i am THAT ridiculous. i have been going to the same lady in london for 15 (!!!) years – i’m so afraid of trying someone new if i had the money i would probably find myself flying over to london to get waxed!!!! anyhow a girlfriend of mine finally convinced me that her beautician was brilliant & that I should definitely go there as she is renowned for her waxing. she also mentioned that the actual salon was a bit of a mess & that I mustn’t be nervous as she really is good. what she failed to mention was that this woman has verbal diarrhea (!!!) but more about that later.

so it was with a heavy head (& heart actually) that I headed off to this appointment. i first got lost – which didn’t help my stress levels. but eventually found the place which as my friend had mentioned was a bit of a state but my eyes were blind to it – probably mostly because my eyes were half-shut i was so tired.

i parked up outside & made my way through the various security gates & burglar bars to eventually get into the house. i was asked to sit on a couch in the hallway & wait for ms wax. trying to pull myself towards myself & find what little strength i had to deal with this chinese torture i was about to voluntarily go into i was just finding some sort of inner peace when this pack of dynamite jumped out of her room (ms wax obviously) & gushed that i must be her next client, sorry she was late, please excuse the mess, mind the dog, something about her previous client & then promptly came to a standstill in front of me…. looked me straight in the eye & said…. have you left anything in your car? bamboozled by her initial introduction it actually took me a while to digest her jack-in-a-box entrance before I realized she was actually now asking me a question. my blank gaze must have unsettled her as she hastily repeated the question in a louder decimal & higher octave…. have you left anything & i mean ANYTHING in your car because it WILL be broken into. now i am being serious, even if you have left an empty plastic bag you need to go & remove it as they will break into it for anything, make sure your car is completely empty etc… etc… it was at this point my gaze fell on these A4 luminous pink laminated posters on every treatment door (how I didn’t notice them immediately just proves how friggin’ tired I was) announcing to everyone that if they left anything in their cars their cars WOULD be broken into. heaven’s alive!!!!

fresh from the night before’s criminal activity i was by this point so beyond help – my brain was working overtime trying to recall what all was in my car, I actually wasn’t sure what I should do…. burst into tears? throw up? faint? go check the ca? don’t go check the car? just leave? ask her to shut-up? man, how do I find myself in these situations??? all of my thoughts being played to ms wax’s continual flow of yabbering about crime in her area.

i must have been turning a whiter shade of pale, or perhaps green (something I seem to be doing more & more often in this place) because ms wax eventually took notice, put the brakes on her tongue, & asked if I was feeling ok? so I told her that she had all but completely freaked me out & that if she didn’t stop scaring me I was going to pass out. she obviously realised that she’d completely freaked me out… & so to make up for it now desperately tried to back track like a steam train on speed (heaven alone knows what a ‘steam train on speed’ is like… but that’s the image that came to mind???) & explain that it really isn’t as bad as she had said she just wanted to warn me…. after all…. (& here it comes…. those magic words that seem to make everything okay) IT IS AFRICA!!!

i was so exhausted by it all i decided to just forget about my friggin car – if they break into it so be it – i just didn’t have the energy to try & figure that one out. so there I lay on her torture table thinking of all the things that could be stolen from my car, imagining my phone call to my husband explaining my car being broken into or my car not being there at all whilst ms wax babbled away. so consumed I was with my thoughts I never felt a thing as she ripped & pulled.

maybe that was her plan all along!

i am however pleased to report though…. my car was unharmed during this episode. having said that the next time I go back to ms wax I’ll definitely be taking a taxi & bringing earplugs!

this really made me laugh