This Article Was Placed in the Personal columns of a daily newspaper in  Durban (South Africa).

To the well dressed dude who tried to mug me on Durban beach front three nights ago.

I was the guy wearing the black denim jacket that you demanded that I hand over along with my wallet, shortly after you pulled the knife on my
girlfriend and I, threatening our lives.

You also demanded my girlfriend’s purse, rings and earrings too.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Glock pistol for Christmas and we had picked up a new ‘fast draw’ shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn’t it, especially when I blasted that one and only shot right past your right ear and out to sea?

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from bare footed with your ear bleeding and ringing like a church bell, since I made you leave your expensive shoes, Nokia cell phone and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or “Mama” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Fortunately she spoke English too and she seemed very shocked, said you worked at a local bank and wouldn’t do what I was telling her you had done. Anyway, I then I went and filled up my petrol tank as well as four other people’s in the petrol garage on your credit card. The guy with the big V8 Jeep took R800 alone and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Joe Kools, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big 7 series Beemer that was parked at the curb, after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car. I know that this bling car belongs to a local enforcer and bouncer.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Vodacom just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the local ANC office and one to the bureau of state security (intelligence services) too, while mentioning President Zuma and Julius Malema as my probable targets. The state security guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat – I guess while he traced your number etc.

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon and perhaps reconsider the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day.

Chris

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